Welcome to my 5th story page

A nose for trouble

Not everybody realizes that a cat's ability to smell is far superior to that of humans. For example, a cat can easily detect yesterday's meaty offerings compared to today's and can readily spot the difference between a tin of food which has just been opened from one that was prepared a whole ten minutes ago. It was this ability which led Fredcat the Famous into his most recent affair and which led to his returning badly damaged, though victorious.

Victory over the Automatons

The whole affair turned out to be more troublesome than many of Fredcat's earlier escapades. He was not supposed to be involved at all! This escapade centered around the increase in the importation of illegal drugs into the USA. Now Fredcat only uses drugs in the most extreme of circumstances, as and when they are prescribed for his being under the weather, and when the v*t prescribes such medication.

So one can imagine Fredcat's surprise when he received a visit from a very worried official from the local airport security firm. Said official went on to explain that the fight against illegal drug trafficking was being fought on two fronts - through the training and subsequent use of a team of excellent tracker d*gs to sniff out drugs currently being smuggled into the country at a local, but otherwise little used, airport.

This would not normally be considered a problem as the d*gs were by now highly trained and had produced excellent results at other airports. The problem was that by now the d*gs had become so good at their job that they had been posted to countries in the Far East to deal with problems there. Their task was to help sniff out injured humans who had been trapped under buildings as the result of bombings and the like, and, for some unknown reason, such skills in identifying humans in distress are very similar to those used in the identification of noxious drugs secreted in aircraft holds.

The exodus of these highly specialised canines meant that there was only one unlucky canine left to deal with the entirety of potential drug trafficking within all North Carolina airports. Various solutions had been considered but inevitably - like calling on Sherlock Holmes - when you have an intractable problem you go to the best, and in Fredcat the Famous there is no equal.

Actually, Fredcat was holidaying on Time Off With Pay (see Fredcat's diary). (If truth be told, one suspects he is always on holiday but nobody dares mention such suspicions to him.) But, nobly, Fredcat immediately put aside his own desires and tackled the problem head on. "I will take my team to my local airport and will use my excellent nose for the job, whilst letting your expert sniffer d*g deal with problems at the major airport", he said.

Worse was to come however, as the expert tracker d*g went down with a bad case of the sniffles! And it was, alas, too late to effect a canine recall from overseas ... Thus it was left to Fredcat to organize the whole affair - which he did in his usual masterful way. Calling upon his team leaders, he deployed them to advantage around the airport with the suspected problem.

Then came the surprise! From the cargo holds of various airplanes emerged not a case of illegal drugs but a whole platoon of automaton cats! These cats had been especially flown in by drug barons to eliminate the superbly trained tracker cats, who (although excellent at finding drugs) were rather on the small size and, in addition, had no facility for seeking out odourless feline automatons.

This clearly was not part of the briefing and Fredcat had some quick thinking to do. The automatons were in their element but were a mite puzzled to find no d*gs around to fight, just a collection of puzzled local cats. There were two sniffer d*gs in transit to foreign parts but they were safely tucked away in the hold of another aircraft and nobody thought to engage their services - which was lucky for the d*gs concerned!

The feline automatons were able to whizz around the airfield at a great speed and easily matched the fearless Fredcat team in manoeuverability. Their hard outer cases, coupled with their seeming limitless energy, was a huge asset to them, and they were clearly up for a fight - and if there were no d*gs available then cats will do even better!

What to do? To Fredcat the answer came easily (as if you ever doubted this). "Spread out!", he ordered his gallant troops. Obeying instantly (they were nothing if not a well-disciplined group) they encircled the rough ground outside. The automatons followed, smirking, to finish off the job. But - they hadn't realized that the new battle arena was not completely to their liking!

A fierce battle ensued. The strength of the automatons was still superior to Fredcat's team of cats, and no matter how many felines tackled them the automatons were always able to wriggle free and inflict some cruel blows on our brave felines.

Clearly, another ploy was needed. "Spread out and find confined spaces", Fredcat ordered. This curious command puzzled some of his friends but, as usual, they obeyed instantly. Fredcat had never let them down in the past, and so they scattered, enticing the automatons to follow. This turned out to be a master stroke! The automatons soon found themselves following twisting paths until they came to dead ends where their tough legs (which had proved so useful indoors) were unable to find a suitable hold in the rough terrain. Fredcat's troops, meanwhile, were able to jump aside using their powerful hind legs (followers of early Dr. Who programmes will immediately recognise how similar weaknesses were exploited when the seemingly indomitable Daleks where faced with a single flight of stairs - a definite Dalek moment here ...)

It soon became apparent that the automatons were also totally reliant upon their batteries and, after a while, all automaton activity stopped. Some automatons appeared to have been equipped with what were claimed to be "everlasting" batteries, but even their activity stopped eventually. The Fredcat team, meanwhile, licked their wounds and reported back that all was now secure.

Back at the airport the customs officers were now able to examine the cargo holds of the suspected aircraft, and were soon confiscating the contraband found therein. Details of this episode would, however, not be released for some weeks as it was, it transpired, all part of an international policing activity which, it would transpire, bring in a multi-billion dollar capture of drugs, cash and bonds!

We regret to report that Fredcat had been hurt in the exchanges; one of his newest, lesser lights had been slightly negligent and had not forewarned Fredcat in a timely enough manner of the ambush and, valiantly as Fredcat had fought against overwhelming odds, his injuries had been severe. Lest you think that Fredcat had fled wounded, let us make clear straight away that the reverse was true. Fiendish automatons had called off the engagement in fright and had eventually crashed, limping, into each another, their appendages fearsomely mutilated. Fighting is a really dirty business - even for automated cats!

On his return to his home base, Fredcat received the highest praise from the security folks and from Fredcat's mistress - the latter immediately rushing him off to the v*t (as has been recorded elsewhere). Mr. B., however, was less impressed. Are you sure that all this really happened?, he demanded. "I would be willing to bet that you just scratched yourself on the bushes in the garden ...."